She’s the self-appointed bi-racial angel of urban R&B music. That’s neither here nor there.

She’s a talented pianist who smokes cigarettes. That’s neither here nor there.

She’s an honorary AKA. That’s neither here nor there. 

She also stole a Chocobo from Mashonda. But that’s neither here nor there. 

Alicia Keys makes sidechick music

Oh, God Lee, here you go again. Why are you so angry all the time? Are you not getting attention at home? Are you bored? Do you have no life? 

A and C only

Look. I’m not here to judge or analyze what happened in the Swizz/Mashonda debacle. We don’t know what really happened between Swizz and Mashonda, and Swizz deserves some blame as well.

But the nigga ain’t making songs about leaving his wife and shit. 

You wanna know why Alicia Keys hasn’t had a breakout hit since her marriage to that Chocobo Swizz Beatz? (Empire State of Mind is a Jay-Z song). 

Its because she excels at making side-chick music. She had homewrecker tendencies from the start of her music career. Her biggest hits are all side-chick anthems. 

So here’s a collective of Alicia Keys songs in chronological order, and the sidechick music she makes

How Come You Don’t Call Me: (Originally a Prince song, but you know where I’m going with this)

Fallin: (In and Out, because you already got a man)

A Woman’s Worth: (Because I feel I’m worth more than your woman)

If I Was Your Woman: (Self-explanatory)

You Don’t Know My Name: (Because you don’t have my number saved in my phone so your main chick won’t find out)

If I Ain’t Got You: (I will die, so I will hang on to you until you leave your wife)

The Diary: (I won’t tell, your secret is safe with me. If that doesn’t scream SIDE-CHICK)

No One: (Not even Jesus will keep me away from what I feel for you)

Like You’ll Never See Me Again: (Because I’m going on tour, so let me see what dat mouf does before you try to patch things up with your wife)

Teenage Love Affair: (Because I’m a girl)

*marries Swizz Beats a year later*

And I’m sure there is many more. But I digress 

Descriptors aside, you have to look beyond music at face value to identify the undertones. Its why her last album sucked. No compelling sidechick angle to articulate about anymore. She’s the main chick now, and quite frankly, her music doesn’t have that same edge and passion anymore. 

I’m glad you are letting me bring this to your attention. 

You care. 

I’d still smash Alicia Keys tho. 

Let Lee Cook